Sydney Under Attack

Brian Eno is trying to kill a large majority of Sydney’s population.

Brian Peter George St. John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno - it is rumoured that 10% of his will is set aside to cover the cost of his tombstone.

This is ridiculous, you say.  But it is not!  Currently in Sydney is an event called Luminous, curated by Brian Eno, and one of his major contributions to the event is an installation entitled 77 Million Paintings.  I went there this afternoon, and what I found…you’ll have to excuse me – the memories of it are so painful that it is hard to relive them.  I’ll be okay in a moment.

I shall start at the two-thirds point.  Only joking – I’ll start at the beginning (usually the best course of action unless you’re at a busy putt-putt golf course).  The scene?  Sydney Opera House:

The observant reader will notice that the Opera House's sails have been lit up by a projector - either that or God is bleeding.

For the duration of Luminous, the Opera House sails will be lit up every night – possibly for artistic purposes, possibly to cover up the fact that the sails are long due for a coat of paint (or a good clean).  Inside the Opera House, in The Studio, 77 Million Paintings lies in wait for unsuspecting members of the general public to make their way into the darkened room – completely silent except for the ambient noise that the installation generates.  Like an angry bear in a pitch-black cavern (but with usher-bears as well).  This is what was inside:

Are you as terrified as I am?  As I was?  You should be.  “Oh, it’s harmless,” you may say.  Do not be fooled!  The greatest of evils will often be disguised as the greatest beauty.  There is only one word to describe this monstrosity – hypnotic.  Hypnotic.

HYPNOTIC.

Can you see yet?  Can you see how evil this installation is?  Can you deduce Eno’s evil plot?  No?  Never mind, that is what I’m here for – to teach those of you who aren’t blessed with my conspiratorial abilities what the truth is in this world.  I can see cleary what Eno intends to do – kill everyone who visits 77 Million Paintings.  I sat in front of that monstrosity for an hour.  One entire hour.  It was only through my supreme willpower that I was able to tear myself away from it, to flee from the room, to escape the fate that Eno intended.  I left many others behind.  Let us not let their deaths be in vain.

Those poor fools were glued to their seats, watching the ever changing artwork – their bodies perfectly still, their eyes unblinking, their minds switched off.  Blinking became a conscious action for me, an action I had to struggle to perform.  And what do many hours of no movement in a seated position produce?  Deep Vein Thrombosis – DVT.  A blood clot in a vein, that can and most likely will travel to your heart, thus causing a heart attack, thus ending a person’s life.

Thus exposing Brian Eno’s malevolent mechanism for murdering the masses.  (And my abundant alliteration.)

I do not know if I have the strength of character to endure going back into that den of deceit, that cave of cardiac arrest, that studio of sin.  But I’m sure that some of you do.  I plead with you to visit this horror, to try and save others who are stuck there, doomed to watch the ever-changing, never-repeating (within 450 years), paintings in front of them.  The strong must help the weak.  But be careful – this work has power beyond your expectations, so go in prepared.  Perhaps with some type of very strong sunglasses or other protective eye equipment.  And hurry before it is too late, before the DVT eliminates everyone, before Brian Eno, artistic anarchist, completes his plan.

It is very pretty, though.  If it wasn’t so dangerous, I’d be recommending it to everyone.